Wesley's Rambo Review

*Warning: Spoilers*

I was first exposed to Rambo the same day that I was exposed to martial arts legend Bruce Lee. It was 1997. I was 10 years old. My dad and I had just gotten out of a screening of Jackie Chan’s Rumble in the Bronx. After the film, we talked about martial arts in general and my dad quickly realized that I had never seen a Bruce Lee film. On the way home, we stopped by Alpha video (our awesome local video store at the time) and rented a copy of Return of the Dragon (a.k.a. Way of the Dragon). It’s the Bruce Lee film where he battles Chuck Norris in the Roman Coliseum at the end. On the way out of the video store, I saw my dad pick up another movie to watch. It was a copy of First Blood.

When we got home, we watched Return of the Dragon first. Instantly, I was hooked and my Bruce Lee obsession had begun. We then watched First Blood. I thought it was cool but, by that time, I was still in Bruce Lee mode. So, on that fateful day, Rambo was just a side note. But who knows how my life would be different if we watched First Blood…well…first.

As years have gone by, I have really begun love First Blood as a movie. It’s one of Stallone’s best and most emotional performances. Slowly, I got into the Rambo sequels. I loved Rambo: First Blood Part II for it’s over the top, 80’s action movie vibe. Rambo was bigger than life itself and it was a really fun watch. Rambo III tested my patience and just wasn’t as memorable as the first two, pushing it’s Afghanistan propaganda agenda more than I wanted it too.

So, here’s where Rambo (the newest entry) comes in.

Rambo III began to annoy me with its Afghanistan propaganda but Rambo takes this to new heights. This movie is all about Burma and how horrible the civil war is over there. Now, there’s nothing wrong with informing us of this. But I’m still not sure all of this belongs in a Rambo movie. It felt out of place (at least from what I can remember- it’s been awhile) in Rambo III and it really feels out of place here. The first hour of this movie makes you just feel plain awful as an audience member as you watch genocide occur over and over again in Burma. People get mowed down with machine gun ammo, blown up with C4s, and babies get thrown into fires…it’s messed up. Then Rambo shows up and takes out the bad guys like a 1980’s action movie. What? We went from extremely horrible, realistic genocide sequences to Rambo coming in and ripping a guy’s throat out with his bare hands. I’m confused on how I’m supposed to feel. I usually see Rambo movies (well, maybe not the first one- obviously it’s more realistic and serious in tone) as the fun, ultimate guy’s movie. Rambo is displayed as that in all the trailers and, yes, it becomes that at the end of the film. But everything leading up to that moment is completely different in tone. Yeah, I get the message that Stallone is going for. Obviously, he cares very much about what he is doing and the message he is trying to get out. I really respect that. But it just doesn’t match. It’s wrong in tone. It doesn’t work, man.

Now, let’s get to what’s really wrong with this movie: the dialogue. I really enjoyed Stallone’s come back with Rocky Balboa. It wasn’t the perfect film, but it was really enjoyable, respectable, and had some of the best speeches I’ve heard in a Rocky film. Rambo is the polar opposite. This movie has some of the worst dialogue I’ve ever heard. The scene with Rambo and Sarah (played by Julie Benz) on the dock in the rain is painfully bad to watch. In fact, pretty much every conversation in the entire film is awful.

And how about those mercenaries? I really liked the stereotypical badass merc that dropped an f-bomb every two seconds. Oh wait, no I didn’t. I hated him. I hated all the mercenaries. What a boring, uninteresting group of characters. All the characters in this movie sucked. The mercenaries, the missionaries…I guess Rambo is the only one I really cared about…and his face looked like it was made out of silly putty.

That’s another thing. Stallone really needs to lay off the HGH. He doesn’t look normal. At all. After the movie, my friend Amy commented on how he had muscles in places that didn’t even make sense. Like his cheeks. Seriously, I think if I took as much HGH that he’s been taking I could sprout a muscle on my pinky knuckle. Lay off, Stallone. I didn’t think you looked that bad in Rocky Balboa, but you’re looking pretty scary now. I know these movies require a muscular physical appearance, but you’re starting to get me worried, man.

Here’s another thing I had a problem with: that strange, out of place flash back sequence. It kind of looked cool, but it ended up being cheesy and pointless. Hey, there’s that part from Rambo: First Blood Part II where he blew that guy up with that explosive bow and arrow. What? Why’s that in the flash back? What does that have to do with Rambo’s emotional state? Heck, he even throws the deleted original ending of First Blood in there (the one where he is killed). Yeah, it’s kind of cool to see that on the big screen, but it is sort of pointless.

I guess I should talk some more about the violence in this movie. I touched upon it earlier, but this may be one of, if not the most, violent movies I’ve ever seen. It felt like 400 people were killed in this movie. As previously discussed, most of the violence was not fun to watch. The genocide was plain awful, which it should have been. Stallone had a point and, yes, I get it. But then Rambo comes in as a one-man army and it gets all silly like the last two sequels. Yes, it was fun. But, as stated over and over again, it just didn’t match the tone of the rest of the film. I’m watching villagers being raped and blown up with C4s one minute and Rambo cutting off heads and ripping throats out the next. Just doesn’t match up. However, some of the stuff towards the end was hilarious. Like that guy that was sniped on the boat- his head comes off but his body keeps standing up. What? Is that how it happens? At one point, Rambo stabs a guy in the stomach with his huge machete and pauses. I turned to my friend Blossom and said, “Now, Rambo should do something badass.” It was if Stallone could hear me because he followed my comment with cutting the guy in half. Hilarious stuff. I just wished either the rest of the movie had been that silly or at least a good film.

I really think that if they just had guys come out of the woods with signs saying “bad guy” taped to them and Rambo destroying them for an hour and a half this would have been a better movie.

So, if you’re still wondering, no, I didn’t think Rambo was good movie. Too much hammering of Burma’s awful situation down my throat, too much awful dialogue and useless characters, and an ending sequence that didn’t match the rest of the film in tone. Plus there was that part where Rambo sets that huge bomb off in the forest and then survives what appears to be a nuclear blast. Oh yeah, and that ridiculous 3 minutes of eye contact / dramatic face posturing by him and Sarah at the end. Can you get any cheesier? Really, Stallone? Still, I wanted to like some of this movie. After all, it’s been forever since we’ve gotten to see an 1980’s action movie. I really miss those “one-man army on a mission” type of action movies. It’s just too bad that this wasn’t a good one.

I still love Sylvester Stallone though. I’ve been a fan of the guy since I latched on to the Rocky films as a kid. This is definitely the miss step that Rocky Balboa wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean his career is over. I hear Rambo V isn’t far away, but I hope he finds other projects to sink his teeth into. That and I hope he lays off the HGH. You can do it, Sly!

Just so you know where I stand:

First Blood- 8/10
Rambo: First Blood Part II- 7/10
Rambo III- 5/10
Rambo- 3/10