Meet the Spartans? Really?

Meet the Spartans was the number one movie in America this weekend with $18.7 million, just a little over Rambo’s $18.2 million. It was only at 4% (which is out of 100 percent people) on Rotten Tomatoes. Now, don’t get me wrong. I knew this movie was going to do well. Terrible movies usually do somehow end up with decent box office. But Meet the Spartans? Seriously?


John Rambo is pissed about this. He might go off and kill 400 more people. Burma!

This is sort of like my rant about 300 in my best of 2007 post, but only worse. It’s like all those people who nearly ruined 300 for me went out and made a crappy movie number one. In the big scheme of things, I know that this doesn’t matter. But come on. Did this honestly look funny? In the trailer, a guy randomly turns into a transformer to play Chris Crocker’s “Leave Britney Alone!” video. Yes, comic genius! Right? I mean, right? I mean, that sounds like a good ole’ time at the movies to me.

Don’t you dare say I don’t have a sense of humor. This is not comedy. This is not a movie. This should not exist.

America, go kill yourself. No, right now. I mean it.

Go take a knife and stab yourself in the eye Demolition Man style (and yes, mentioning that film does make the pain hurt a little less). Go stick your head in an oven and turn it on. Drink a vat of acid. Stand in front of an 18-wheeler. Tie a rope to a bolder and then around your neck and then proceed to toss that bolder off a cliff. Just die please and stop going to see movies. No, you can’t even leave your house. You do not deserve sunlight. And don’t you dare reproduce. Don’t you dare do it. Oh, what am I saying? Of course you will. You will like a jackrabbit. And you know what? Your son is going to hate you for it.

All because you make movies like Meet the Spartans successful.

I’m not defending Rambo either. It definitely wasn’t a cinematic gem. But at least Sly Stallone cares about his films. If only we could get him off that HGH…

I’m getting sidetracked. Meet the Spartans should not exist. The people who saw this movie and somehow made it a hit should not exist. Period.

So, if you just got back form a screening of Meet the Spartans and now you’re at your job at 7/11 pondering a certain question in your head, yes, there is an answer to it: Jump. Jump, my friend. Just climb the tallest building you can find and take a leap. I promise you’ll feel better afterwards. I know I will.