Wesley's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Review

*Note: Since most of my problems with this movie come from the script, I'm going to go over some plot points. So, if you want to know absolutely nothing about this movie, don't read this review. I don't plan on spoiling anything big, but you're warned. Honestly though, you should read it to know what you're getting into*

All right, I’ve seen this movie twice now and I’ve been thinking about it over and over again and honestly, I’m sick of thinking about it. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is not a good movie. When people have asked me how I feel about it, I usually just say, “It was okay.” And that’s it; it’s just “okay.” I felt like I should have just hated the movie with a fiery passion but, for some reason, I didn’t. Maybe I’m just worn out and jaded by now. It’s not like I was expecting much anyways. The film is an entertaining way to kill two hours with some impressive action here and there but, compared to the other brilliant entries in the Indiana Jones series, it is a massive disappointment in the area of story. After all, a movie’s main objective is the act of storytelling. And well, there really wasn’t much of a story here to tell. What follows is a plot that goes in a thousand different directions, some ridiculous but fun action sequences, wads of nostalgia and Spielberg and Lucas trying to remember how to make an Indiana Jones movie.

Basically the biggest flaw of this film is, in all honesty, George Lucas. The man has remained stubborn for the past nineteen years on having an alien element in the new Indiana Jones film. Now, the movie’s out in theater’s and it appears the man has gotten his wish. And it’s just as awkward and strange as you imagined it would be. I’m sorry if you weren’t aware of this element being in the film but it’s really best that you know going in. Hell, I knew getting into it and it still took me out of the film. Aliens do not belong in an Indiana Jones film. The two are very separate things and it seemed that everyone was aware of this fact except for George Lucas. So, what do they do? Well, I kind of felt like they tried to act like having aliens wasn’t that big of deal. I really could feel like they were trying hard to side step the issue in the screenplay because they knew that audiences just weren’t going to buy it. Oh no, they’re not spacemen- they’re interstellar beings. They’re not going to space; they’re going to the space between spaces (seriously, what the hell does that mean?). If you guys were so embarrassed to have aliens in your film, you shouldn’t have had the damn things in there. Spielberg and Ford should have just stood up and said, “Hey, Indiana Jones and aliens just truly don’t mix, George. We need to go with another story.” But, they didn’t. They just tried to side step it. And that’s why it’s taken nineteen freaking years for this thing to get put together. It’s because George has been so stuck on this one bad idea and they’ve never been able to get around it because of his ridiculously stubborn nature. So, they just had to minimize it and side step it to a point that it really didn’t even matter anymore. However, it was still there and it sticks out like a sore thumb. After the second time I saw the movie, Caleb came up to me and asked, “What was even the point of the aliens?” Well, honestly, there’s not much of one. It’s just what George wanted to see and, damn it, it’s what he got. What a self-indulgent asshole.

I got some bad vibes from this movie from the very first image. Yes, I enjoyed the classic transition between the Paramount mountain to a little mountain of dirt in the desert. What I didn’t like was that little mountain of dirt being destroyed by a fake looking CGI prairie dog. From the very beginning of this project’s production, Spielberg has been trying to assure fans that he would use very little CGI. However, this is not the case. There is a lot of CGI throughout this Indiana Jones installment and most of it (but not all) looks pretty bad. The worst example of it has to do with a plot element discussed in the paragraph above but I don’t really feel like getting into that. But while we’re on the discussion of the prairie dog, what the hell was Spielberg and Lucas’ fascination with cutting to animals? They cut to the prairie dogs at least three times and then there’s that dreadful scene with Shia LaBeouf and the monkeys. Oh god… that was so embarrassing and weird to watch. But yeah, I really don’t get the sudden obsession with cutting to various animals for a cheap laugh from the average drone of an audience (yep, the second one I was with ate this crap up for some reason). And what was up with that jeep full of kids playing “Hound Dog” and racing the Russian soldiers at the beginning? Yeah, I guess you could say it was an introduction to the 1950’s setting but it mostly seemed to be very pointless. I mean, what in the world were those kids even doing in the desert?

That brings me to something else that really bothered me about this movie. Indiana Jones in the 1950’s was just something that was awkward to watch. I guess you could say it was a culture shock of sorts. It just didn’t feel right to see the man with the hat walking around on the same sidewalk as greasers. Yeah, I know that they were maybe trying to get across the fact that maybe Indy was now out of element but the final effect just was awkward and strange to me. It just made the whole beginning of the movie not feel like an Indiana Jones film. What was the point of most of it? They introduce the 1950’s setting, the threat of the Russians and the Cold War, and an interesting little subplot involving the Communism witch-hunt by the FBI and then… they drop all of it in the second half of the film. By then, we’re just looking for Crystal Skulls and none of that crap even matters. So why bother to even set it up if there’s no pay off? That’s a big problem with this movie; the script by David Koepp just goes all over the place. Koepp is usually a hit-or-miss for me. He wrote some good screenplays for Jurassic Park (co-written with original novelist Michael Crichton), Spider-man, Panic Room, and Carlito’s Way and some not-so-great screenplays for The Lost World: Jurassic Park and War of the Worlds. Here, it seems like he took elements from all the screenplays written for this movie over the past nineteen years and mashed it all together into one mess of a story. It just doesn’t work.

What else bothered me about this movie? Well, for one, it just was too ridiculous to take most of the time. Now, don’t get me wrong, but I am aware that the action in Indiana Jones films has always been over-the-top and cartoony at times. After all, he did drop out of an airplane and fall into a river hundreds of feet below and survive in the cushioning of a blown-up raft in The Temple of Doom. However, this latest installment takes that kind of suspension-of-disbelief and pushes it to the max. I just couldn’t help but shake my head at certain sequences such as the aforementioned sequence with Shia and the monkeys (this really was embarrassing to witness) and a certain scene with Indy and a refrigerator (come on, really?).

Anything else I have a gripe with? Well, as I mentioned at the beginning of my review, this film comes with wads and wads of nostalgia. Now, as you can probably tell from my previous articles, I’m all about nostalgia. However, this movie has brought me to my limit. Think of a big bucket of popcorn that you buy for ten bucks that is soaked with liquid butter to the point that it shines in the light. Hell, it even shines in the dark of the theater. Well, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the popcorn and nostalgia is the artery-clogging butter that is soaked through it. It might be fun to eat at first but, by the end of the film, you’re going to feel pretty sick. Well, that’s kind of the experience I had with this film. It gets so nostalgic and self-referential at times that it seems goofy, silly, and overly sentimental. You kind of just want to tell Spielberg and company that “Hey, we get it. You’re doing Indiana Jones again. Now move the hell on and tell me a new story with the guy that I love so much!” However, they’re too busy patting themselves on the back to do so.

Did anyone feel like Spielberg kind of forgot how to shoot an Indiana Jones film at times? I really felt like he was trying to remember as he went or something. It just felt like he was shooting Indiana Jones like he thought he would have shot Indiana Jones nineteen years ago. It kind of felt like a self-tribute (or self-parody depending on how you look at it) and it was strange to watch.

With Spielberg trying to maintain his directional hold on his former self, there was another thing that made this film feel less like an Indiana Jones movie. That factor would be cinematographer Janusz Kaminski. Now, don’t get me wrong, Janusz is a wonderful cinematographer. The work he has done on Spielberg’s more serious projects such as Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, and Munich is just stunning. However, his lighting is so standout and a trademark that I feel like it is distracting in Spielberg’s more action-oriented and “magic”-fueled projects such as Minority Report and War of the Worlds. Indiana Jones is no exception. Janusz did not light this movie like the rest of the Indiana Jones films. Therefore, it feels less like Indy. I know Spielberg told fans that he was coaching Janusz on how to light an Indy film (and reportedly Janusz watched the original Indiana Jones trilogy multiple times to study Douglas Slocombe’s classical lighting style) but it just doesn’t show. Sure, he does use a more restrained style than usual but, in the end, it still stands out as Janusz as having his way. For example, one scene that I found particularly distracting was when Indy is tied up in a Russian tent and is being interrogating and is held subject to the Crystal Skull. In this scene, there is a strange lamp to Indy’s right that has an unusual blue glow coming out of it. The light gives the scene an unusual aesthetic, something that was not an element of the lighting of the original Indiana Jones films. I know this may seem like a ridiculous and nit-picking kind of complaint but I remember sitting in the theater and thinking, “That jerk just had to put that light there didn’t he?” It was something that just didn’t have to be there is all. It was self-indulgent on his part. It, like all of the bad decisions made in this film, could have easily been avoided.

One of the biggest problems I had with this movie was the climax in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It seemed like everyone involved was pretty bored with what was going on (I won’t say what due to spoilers) and therefore, everything, from the acting to the directing seems uninvolved. This is one of those scenes that I know George probably had a lot to do with and seemingly fought for and it’s obvious because no one’s heart is really into it. It just seems like bored filmmaking. Plus, it kind of felt too similar to the climax of Raiders of the Lost Ark, only not as cool or involved. It also had really bad CGI. However, I would say that Cate Blanchett really did a great job with what was going on with her character. She managed to give the ridiculous sequence some impact and weight. Good job, Cate.

So, you must be thinking that if I thought the movie was “okay,” I had to like certain elements of it, right? Well, yeah, of course I did. After, it’s hard not to like an Indiana Jones movie, even if it’s not a good one. As mentioned in my first paragraph, this movie has some truly great and entertaining action sequences. As Spielberg promised (one of his few to actually come true), he shot all his action sequences in an old school type of fashion and I enjoyed the crap out of them because of that. I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to actually be able to tell what is going on in an action sequence. All of the ones featured in Indy’s latest opus were just like that, were well put together and filmed. Yes, they tended to get on the over-the-top side of things more than once but I still enjoyed them for what they were worth. They actually got my dead heart beating more than once and I appreciated that. The jungle chase (minus the part with Shia and the monkeys… they just had to try and ruin a good sequence) was definitely my favorite of the bunch and I felt kind of like a little kid watching it unfold in front of my eyes. I even enjoyed the CGI-heavy ant section of this sequence. Sure, it was outrageous and nonsensical but I was really having fun with it. Yes, some good ole’ Spielberg magic was here in little jets of energy… too bad it was lacking in the rest of the film.

Harrison Ford (or Mr. Ford as my brother and I like to refer to him as) is obviously another reason that I enjoyed this movie more than I should have. Ford truly is able to get right back into the famous character and because of this, I watched this flawed film. There are times were he seems bored with the situation he is in (bits of the opening interrogation and the FBI interrogation scene) but there are also many sequences were he is Indy through and through. He even saved a sequence that could have been pure cheese (and the now infamous quick sand / snake sequence) for me. Yeah, the whole scene is silly but, due to Ford’s great comic timing and reactions, I bought it and really had fun with it. He also helps sell a lot of the action sequences in the film and makes them fun to get through. Ford is one of the few actors that I have a lot of respect for and it’s good to see him back in his element here again.

Although Harrison Ford is the main attraction as far as casting goes, I did in fact enjoy a lot of the supporting players. It’s good to see Karen Allen back reprising her role as Marion Ravenwood from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Out of all the women Indy has had, Marion always felt special and I’m glad to see her back and in her element. The argument she has with Indy in the Russian truck with Shia present felt like a sequence right out of the original trilogy. It was really beautiful to watch. If she had not been present, I feel like the movie would not have had any kind of heart at all. I also feel like Shia LaBeouf didn’t do that bad of a job. I was really annoyed when his casting was announced but he did the best he could with the role that was written (annoying sidekick) and made me care about his character a little more than I should have. Last but not least, I really liked Cate Blanchett as the evil Irina Spalko. Yeah, her character was pretty over-the-top but I really enjoyed her portrayal. She just felt like an old fashioned villain from a 1930’s serial and I enjoyed that aspect of her. Cate seemed to realize that she needed to play it this way and seemed to have fun with the role. Of course, this all could just be the crush I’ve had on her since Notes on a Scandal talking…

John Williams also returns to the Indiana Jones film universe and, unlike Spielberg and Lucas who seem to be having trouble remembering how to do their respective jobs, the famous music composer does not disappoint. First, let me say this, I love John Williams and his scores. As far as I am concerned, this man can do no wrong. I could film someone walking down the street and he could make it seem interesting somehow with his music. He is a big part of the magic that is in so many of Spielberg’s films and he manages to inject some much-needed magic into this film. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to hear not only the Raiders March but also Marion’s Theme and the haunting Ark of the Covenant Theme again. I also really liked William’s theme for the Crystal Skull. It really made it more mysterious and sinister in nature. I feel like his score really made the previously mentioned scene between Indy and the Skull in the Russian tent actually tense and not as laughable as it looked. I also like Irina’s Theme he did for Blanchett’s villain. It’s a very simple theme that never borders on the over-the-top. However, he manages to inject of a lot of Irina’s evil nature into it and it’s beautiful to listen to. Williams has never disappointed me with one of his scores and this is no exception.

What else did I like? Even though I talked about how the film felt like an overload of nostalgia earlier, I do believe that some of it worked well and was fun. For example, I did enjoy the old school title credits at the beginning of the film. I also enjoyed the old fashioned way that Spielberg introduced Indy by playing with the image of his hat along with his shadow on the car. This is sequence really felt like an old film and I feel like Spielberg probably had the most fun filming this kind of stuff. I definitely had fun watching it. If only they had been able to maintain this kind of mentality through the entire film. Another little nostalgic moment that warmed my heart was seeing that wonderful montage of Indy flying in an airplane while cut with a map of the world and a red line showing where he is traveling. This stuff was right out of the original trilogy and it put a smile on my face to see it on the big screen. I also really loved seeing Indy go through creepy temples and graveyards to find the Crystal Skull. This was actually my favorite sequence of the film because it felt truer to the original movies than anything else in the film. I’m sorry, but Indy going through dangerous, insect infested, spider-web filled tombs looking for artifacts will never get old to me. They really could have just filmed this stuff for two hours and I would have probably liked it more than the film they came up with. And while I thought most of the 1950’s material in the movie was throw away stuff, the image of Indy looking out over the desert at a mushroom cloud explosion was haunting and beautiful.

In the end, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a disappointing but entertaining film. All in all, it feels about average. There are a lot of bad decisions that were made in coming up with the story for this movie and boy does it show in some embarrassing and silly sequences. Still, there is some magic hidden deep down and some truly fun and well-shot action sequences. I was really hoping that Spielberg and company could show all these hacks in Hollywood today how to make a solid action adventure again and, while the action sequences work, the rest of the movie is just as standard as most films today. And it really shouldn’t be that way. I mean, you guys have had nineteen years to get your shit together. It should be a lot better than what we got. Again, I blame Lucas and his incredibly stubborn, alien-obsessed nature, but there’s much more that had to go into this than just that. It kind of feels like, when they weren’t being self-indulgent, that they just tried too hard. I’d like to think that everyone went into this trying so hard to make another good Indiana Jones movie that they just went too far in doing so. In fact they went so far, that we got a movie that goes in a thousand different directions, kind of like my heart is doing right now.

I really don’t know what I’m supposed to think anymore. I’ve just exhausted myself thinking about this film for the past two days (along with seeing it twice) and I’m just tired of it by now. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think, okay. I wanted to love this thing so bad. I really did. But, if Spielberg and company cannot make a great movie, well, there’s not much I can do on my part you know. I think I’m just tired of being disappointed and let down over and over again by Hollywood. I mean, is it really that hard to make a good fanboy movie anymore, guys? Really? Because you’re killing me inside and I’m sick and tired of caring about all of this so damn much.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull isn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen or anything like that. I’m not saying that at all. It’s just “meh.” It’s the kind of thing you see once in the theater, enjoy it for what’s worth, and then maybe you rent it. But, because it’s Indiana freaking Jones, you feel like it should be more is all. And it should. But, despite all it’s flaws and bullshit, there’s some good things about this movie. One thing I’ve noticed in going to see it twice is that it’s one of those things, despite the quality of the product, that really brings people together. Who doesn’t want to see an Indiana Jones movie? It doesn’t matter if you’re in your fifties, teens or just a child; you have a connection with these movies in some way. I can’t remember the last time seeing a family come to a movie together made me feel good inside. The first time I saw the film I went with my brother and my grandfather, who had wanted to bring us to it. Despite not loving the film, it was really nice to share the latest Indiana Jones film with my grandfather, who had watched the original trilogy with me when I was a child. It kind of felt like that the movie didn’t even matter afterwards, like it was just the experience really. He liked the movie. So maybe that’s all that matters. The fact that he got to enjoy the movie with us is the thing that I have been the happiest about concerning this film.

So, if you get the chance, go see this movie with your friends or family and make up your own mind. Yeah, it’s not perfect and it’s pretty silly but it’s also entertaining and it’s Indiana Jones. I mean, how could you not see an Indiana Jones movie in the theater if you had the chance? I didn’t really love the film but I saw the thing twice just because it’s Indy. I’m just hoping they leave the series dead after this. I really don’t think I can make through an adventure with Mutt Williams.

And just if you’re wondering, no, it’s not as bad as Episode I and II of the Star Wars prequels. After all, Lucas wasn’t allowed to write the screenplay and direct Indy. Thank God.

Just so you know where I stand:

Raiders of the Lost Ark: 10/10

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: 10/10

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: 10/10

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: 6/10