Only the Candy was Hard...

*Spoiler Alert*

I don't remember when I first heard about the movie Hard Candy.  But somewhere along the way, it attained an almost mythical status in my mind.  It became completely necessary for me to see this film.  Looking back on it, I think I first came across it while browsing the local Movie Gallery (rest in peace) during a date.  Yes, that's it.  It was a little over a year ago.  I was on my first date with the girl I've been dating for 11 months now.  As we walked the aisles examining the walls for that perfect movie that might ignite the flame of a love connection, a certain DVD caught my eye.  It was Hard Candy.  I picked it up, read the description on the back of the box, and immediately knew that it wasn't right for the date.  We went with Blades of Glory that night, and while it might not have been the best choice, love could not be stifled by yet another Will Ferrell sports comedy.

From that day on, Hard Candy haunted my dreams.  Something about that description on the back of the box stuck with me.  I don't even remember what it said.  But it changed me.  I couldn't forget this image:

It was during the past year that movie nights at Wesley's house became a regular occurrence.  I honestly can't comprehend how my life was ever happy before these little events.  Wesley always picks amazing movies to watch, and there's so much candy.  All the effin candy I could ever want.  Wesley's house means a guaranteed good movie and an unending orgy of candy.  I've made myself sick a few times.  I've seen a damn good movie every time.  Anyways, each time a Caldwell movie night would take place, a ritual began to play out.  Wesley, every time without fail, would stand before the group gathered in his playroom and give us choices for which movie would be viewed.  And every time without fail, my eyes would be mystically drawn to his copy of Hard Candy, tucked away in the shelf to the left of the TV.  When Wesley asked the inevitable question, "So what do yall want to watch?" I yelled out with great enthusiasm, "Wesley, let's watch Hard Candy!"  Before he could protest, I just repeated the title of the film over and over until he explained that it wasn't appropriate for mixed company.  Later, I would ask him in private why he wouldn't allow us to watch the movie I so desperately wanted to see.  Each time, he would explain that it was just too "intense" and far too "uncomfortable" for a group viewing.  This scenario played out each and every time we watch a movie at Wesley's.

After so many rejections, I had honestly reached a point where I believed that I would never see the film.  I had given up.  But I was pretty okay with that.  Then, in one of the greatest surprises of my life, Wesley finally spoke the words, "Zach, let's watch Hard Candy."  It happened this past Friday, August 29, 2008.  I almost had to change my shorts when he spoke those words.  And to my delight, a small group of guys from the dorm wanted to watch it too.  My wildest dreams were coming true.  I was ready to see this "intense" and "uncomfortable" film.  It was finally going to happen.

Let me say this next - things don't make me uncomfortable.  "Intense" usually doesn't bother me.  But for anyone who hasn't seen Hard Candy, let me assure you, it's a whole new ball game.  This movie is in a league of its own.

I haven't seen Juno, so my only previous experience with Ellen Page was from her role in X-Men 3, which sucked hard.  But she played a pretty insignificant role in that, so I've never held it against her.  So basically, I went into watching this film with no preconceived notions about the leading actress.  In addition, I had never previously seen a film featuring Patrick Wilson. This was the perfect set-up for Hard Candy to blow me away and change my life for the better.  The legendary status that this movie had reached in my head had somehow led me to expect it to be the greatest thing I had ever seen.  Being told no by Wesley so many times had made me want to see it just that much more.  But now, I realize that watching Hard Candy was a total mistake.

It wasn't a mistake because it was a bad movie.  In fact, both Page and Wilson gave pretty strong performances in my opinion.  Ellen Page was extremely convincing as the absolutely insane, violent, and retribution-minded Hayley.  Patrick Wilson's depiction of Jeff was equally skilled, as he managed to make me feel sorry for a pedophile.  This isn't normal.  I should have wanted him to be tortured.  But the extremely psychological nature of the film kept me second guessing myself and constantly wondering if Hayley was just out her mind and whether Jeff was actually guilty or not.  This complicated and thought-provoking aspect of the plot adds to its strength.  The lighting in the film was also really spot-on.  The mood created was really creepy - it felt like at any moment that all hell was going to break loose.  Someone was going to snap; someone was going to end up dead.  Hard Candy was definitely suspenseful.

Now that I've admitted that Hard Candy is a good flick, you might be asking, so why was it a mistake?  I'll tell you why.  It was painful to watch.  So damn painful.  I've never squirmed so much while viewing any movie.  I've seen cannonballs shear off legs, heads explode, and aliens rip through someone's chest.  But none of that phased me.  In comparison, I think Page's character almost made me cry.  I don't want to give too much away, but I'll just throw a word out there:  castration.

As I stated after the movie was over, the character of Hayley made me fear all women.  Now I know what they are capable of.  Now I trust no one.  Now I can't see women in the same light.  I'm afraid that I'll say something wrong.  I'm afraid that my girlfriend will find that Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition stashed under my mattress and she'll go crazy.  I'm afraid I'll end up drugged and tied to a chair.  I'm afraid I'll lose my balls.  I hope this isn't going too far, but Hard Candy gave me an anti-boner.  A big one.

Hard Candy was a good movie.  It was well made.  The actors gave great performances.  But I never want to see a movie like that again.  I am permanently scarred.  I regret picking up that DVD and becoming so intrigued with it that fateful night.  I regret asking Wesley so many times to watch it.  Thank God I didn't choose to watch it on that date.  I would have ruined a very good thing.  Surely a second date would have never happened.  But when I think about it, Hard Candy ruined it anyway, it just waited a while.  I may have a lovely girlfriend who treats me well, but who knows what she's capable of?  At any moment, she could snap, and go all Hayley on me.  I'm no pedophile, but I'm terrified regardless.  Why?  Because every man fears that crazy bitch hellbent on revenge who wants to cut off his balls.  That's why.  Ellen Page has earned herself a permanent place in my nightmares.